Humor
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Let's face it -- English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor
ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins
weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are
candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you comb through annals of history but not a single annal? (actually if you're anal, you'll find one) If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? If teachers taught, why didn't preacher praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another. Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable? And where are all those people who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on. English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it.
Consul : What is your name? Shepard: Azi Consul: Sex? Consul: I mean, male or female? Consul: Holy cow! Consul: Man,........isn't it hostile? Consul: Oh..........dear! Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two. One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools. If a man says something in the woods and there is are women there, is he still wrong? A lesbian, a rabbi, a minister and a biker walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, “What is this a joke?” If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague. Two guys walk into a bar. One of them ducks.
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the OTHERS here for? "I saw a large woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?" Arnold Schwarzenegger
A bus load of lawyers were driving down a country road when all of a sudden the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field. The old farmer after seeing what happened went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the lawyers. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and then asked the old farmer, "Were they all dead?" The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them lawyers lie."
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station... "And G-d said: 'Let there be Satan, so people, don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people, don't blame everything on Satan." George Burns
A man was feeling very depressed and walked into a bar and ordered a triple scotch whiskey. As the bartender poured him the drink he remarked, "that's quite a heavy drink. What's wrong?" After quickly downing his drink, the man replied, "I got home and found my wife in bed with my best friend." "Wow" exclaimed the bartender, as he poured the man a second triple scotch. "No wonder you needed a stiff drink. The second triple is on the house." As the man downed his second triple scotch, the bartender asked him "What did you do?" "I walked over to my wife," the man replied, "looked her straight in the eye and told her that we were through and to pack her stuff and to get the hell out." "That makes sense," said the bartender, "but what about your friend?" he man replied, "I walked over to him, looked him right in the eye and said, 'BAD DOG!'"
Grant Me the Serenity
To accept the things I cannot change
Metric Conversions
Literature
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds? Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime? Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations? If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen? Why do we kill people for killing people to show that killing is wrong? Why do you need an appointment to see a psychic? Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist? Why is it called tourist season if we cant shoot at them? Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour? If they arrested the Energizer Bunny, would they charge it with battery? What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men? Can you be a closet claustrophobic? All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand. Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them. |
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| Religion
Every year before Easter, the Chief Rabbi in Rome goes to the Vatican and presents an ancient--- and by now quite tattered--envelope to the Pope. The Pope inspects the envelope, shakes his head, and hands it back to the Chief Rabbi who then departs. This has been going on for nearly 2,000 years. One year recently, it happened that there was a new Pope and a new Chief Rabbi. When the Chief Rabbi presented the ancient envelope to the Pope, as he had been instructed to do by his predecessor, the Pope looked it over and handed it back--as he had been told by his predecessor. But then the Pope said, "This is an unusual ritual. I don't understand it. What is in this envelope?" "Darned if I know," answered the Chief Rabbi. "I'm new here myself. Hey, let's open it and find out." "Good idea," said the Pope. So together they slowly and carefully opened the envelope. And do you know what they found? The Caterer's bill for the Last Supper!
The date on the Jewish calendar is 5768, the date on the Chinese calender is 4706. So that means.. over 1000 years that the Jews had to get by without Chinese take-out. A middle-aged man from Wisconsin was planning a trip to Florida with his wife. Since they couldn't get the same days off from work he planned to go first and meet her. Upon arrival, he immediately plugged his laptop into the hotel room port and sent a short email back home to his wife, Jennifer Johnson, at her address, JennJohn@world.net. Unfortunately, in his haste, he mistyped a letter and the email ended up going to JeanJohn@world.net. A Jean Johnson in Duluth was the wife of a preacher who had just passed away and was buried that day. The preacher's wife took one look at the email, screamed and promptly collapsed. It read, "Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here! I'll see you tomorrow." JEWISH INDIANS (er, Native Americans; or, if it's pertinent, Native Canadians) There was this family of Schmohawks sitting around the shtetl one night. The papa,Geronowitz; the mama,Pocayenta, and the beautiful young daughter, Minihorowitz "So,nu", says the daughter, "You'll never believe." "What?"says the mama Today, at high noon, I was proposed to in marriage." "Yes?"says the mama,"so what did you say?" "I said "Yes." "You said 'Yes'?" "I said 'Yes." "That's wonderful," says the mama. "She said 'Yes!' Did you hear that Geronowitz? Our little Minihorowitz is getting married!" "I heard," says the papa, "I'm kvelling. So who's the lucky boy?" "Sittin' Bialy." "Sittin' Bialy?" says the mama, "of the SoSiouxMe tribe?" "That's the one,"says Minihorowitz. "Oy,Geronowitz! The SoSiouxme's! There are so many of them! How can we feed them? How can we get them all in our tepee for the wedding?" "We"ll think of something,"says Geronowitz. "Geronowitz! Get me a buffalo!" "What, at this hour?" "No, Geronowitz, for the wedding! I can make buffalo tzimmes from the meat, and we can make an extra tepee from the hide. Get me a buffalo!" So, Geronowitz goes out to hunt a buffalo. A day goes by, and a night and Geronowitz has not come back. Another day and another night, and still no sign of him. Another day and half the night, and Geronowitz comes home. Exhausted. Staggering. And, empty-handed. "Geronowitz! I've been worried sick. Where have you been? And where's my buffalo? "It's like this", he says. "On my first day out, I hunted high, and I hunted low, and I finally found a buffalo. But this buffalo, he made Mickey Rooney look strong. It was a tiny, scrawny little buffalo, with no meat on his bones for buffalo tzimmes, and barely enough hide for a rain hat. So I settled in for the night to try again the next day. "The second day, I looked high, and I looked low, from this way and that way, and I finally found a buffalo. He was a big buffalo, with lots of meat, and lots of hide, but I tell you Pocayenta, this was the ugliest bufffalo I ever saw in my life. 'This,'I thought to myself, 'is not the buffalo for my daughter's wedding.' So again, I settled in for the night to try again the next day. "The third day, I got up early, and I looked high and I looked low from this way and that way, going up hills and down hills, and I found a buffalo. It was a big buffalo.It was, as buffaloes go, a beautiful buffalo. It was, if I say so myself, the perfect buffalo. 'This,'I said to myself, 'is the buffalo Pocayenta wants for Minihorowitz's wedding. "So I reach into my backpack quietly for my tomahawk, as I tip-toe over to the buffalo. Raise my tomahawk slowly over the buffalo's neck, when suddenly, like a bolt of lightning from the sky, I see it." "See what?" says Pocayenta. "I've brought the dairy tomahawk!" A pious man who had reached the age of 105 suddenly stopped going to synagogue. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance the Rabbi went to see him. He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, "How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?" The old man looked around and lowered his voice. I'll tell you, Rabbi," he whispered. "When I got to be 90 I expected G-d to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So I figured that G-d is very busy and must have forgotten about me ..... and I don't want to remind Him." You Might Be A Jewish Redneck If......
Moses was sitting in the Egyptian ghetto. Things were terrible: Pharaoh wouldn't even speak to him. The rest of the Israelites were mad at him and making the overseers even more irritable than usual, etc. He was about ready to give up. Suddenly a booming, sonorous voice spoke from above: "You, Moses, heed me ! I have good news, and bad news." Moses was staggered. The voice continued: "You, Moses, will lead the People of Israel from bondage. If Pharaoh refuses to release your bonds, I will smite Egypt with a rain of frogs" "You, Moses, will lead the People of Israel to the Promised Land. If Pharaoh blocks your way, I will smite Egypt with a plague of Locust." "You, Moses, will lead the People of Israel to freedom and safety. If Pharaoh's army pursues you, I will part the waters of the Red Sea to open your path to the Promised Land." Moses was stunned. He stammered, "That's.... that's fantastic. I can't believe it! --- But what's the bad news?" "You, Moses, must write the Environmental Impact Statement." Synagogue misprints:
A little Jewish boy was telling his mother about how he had won a part in a play that was being done at school. His mother asked, "What is the part you will play, Saul?" Saul responded, "I shall play the Jewish husband," to which the mother replied, "Well, you go right back to that teacher and tell her that you want a SPEAKING part!" Questions you don't want to ask your local Rabbi
A young man was the lone survivor of a ship which crashed near a small indonesian island. When he arrived he was overjoyed to find a handful of people who had been living on the island for some time. He asked if anyone on the island was Jewish and found to his joy that two of the men were indeed Jewish. "We should build a synagogue then, as long as there are three of us." he exclaimed "Oh we already have three synagogues." "Three synoguges?! Why would you need three synogogues?" he asked "Well the first one is the place I go for Shabbat, but he doesn't like the way they doven." "Then there's the one that he likes to go to, but I think their melodies are too drawn out." "So what about the third one?" "Oh I don't recommend it. You wouldn't like their Rabbi." |
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Jewish Humor |
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Two Wheeled Humor |
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"The bicycle is just as good as most husbands and, when it gets old and shabby, a woman can dispose of it and get a new one without shocking the entire community." Ann Strong "Don't buy upgrades; ride up grades." Eddy Merckx "I've really had it with my dog: he'll chase anyone on a bicycle." "So what are you going to do - leave him at the dog's home? Give him away? Sell him?" "No, nothing that drastic. I think I'll just confiscate his bike." "Where's your bicycle Vicar" I said, (because it was the first time I had seen him walking in 10 years!). "Don't know, I think it might have been stolen, but I will get it back on Sunday" he replied. "At my next sermon I will go through the ten commandments. When I get to 'thou shalt not steal' God will sort it out, I've got faith" The following week, sure enough he was riding the bike again. So I asked him if the ten commandments thing had worked as planned: "I got as far as thou shall not commit adultery.......then I suddenly remembered where I left the bike.." Eight Ways to Tell if your a New York Biker
1. The checkout girl tells you that you have a flashing red light on your back. 2. You walk into work wearing those funny gloves with no fingers. 3. You think the subway is for wimps. 4. Somebody comments on your saddlebags, and you say, "Thanks." 5. Racing against a porshe is child's play. 6. Your lock ways more than your bike. 7. You were late for work because you spent too long yelling at the cabbie. 8. "Stoplight?" "What stoplight?" Two nuns were riding along on a tandem. One of the ladies comments to
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Auto Humor |
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Humorous excuses for reckless driving. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. Excuse me, but my karma just ran over your dogma. If all the cars in the United States were placed end-to-end, it would probably be Memorial Day Weekend. Once there was a farmer who raised a brilliant sheep who knew how to make butter and buttermilk. The farmer, set up a roadside stand and let the sheep sell the stuff. Unfortunately traffic was very heavy and the sight of this sheep making butter and buttermilk was so distracting that naturally there was an accident. The police investigated and issued the farmer a citation for attempting to make an illegal ewe churn on a busy highway. Bumper Stickers Honk if you feel you've lived long enough! |
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Architecture Humor |
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This image brought to you by Architects Against Drunk Drafting |
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The Layman's Guide to Architecture terms Apron => that stupid looking beanie that usually says kiss the cook, often worn by suburban barbequers’ Bolt => what you do when the client asks about the construction delay Cant Strip => the act of laying passed out on your bed with one foot in your pants leg and the other tangled in your jacket Concrete Block => being stuck behind a stalled cement truck ConTour => a guided excursion to look at several bridges for sale Detail => de part of de bird which leaves presents on de hood of de car Flashing => when some ugly looking guy walks by in a trenchcoat seeking attention Grade => the reason you were up at 3:00 in the morning gluing that last piece of cardboard to a model house Jamb => Another term for construction delay Landing => the portion of an airplane flight where you grip your seat arms and pray to a higher power that the airplane reaches the ground without losing vital parts on the runway Moment => a brief period of time where you must choose between finishing a floorplan, or going fishing Outlet => what you need when you’re so furious at your partner that you just want to take a magnum and blow his/her brains out Pre-Cast => that period of time between your skiing accident and your discharge from the hospital Rafter => a person who spends $500 to sit in an air filled dingy while charging down a river, colliding with rocks, and getting constantly drenched Stucco => what happens when you get crazy glue on your fingers Tubular => if you don't know, then don't ask Vent => see outlet zzzz => the drawings were submitted yesterday Thank G-d for Buckminster Fuller. If it wasn't for him, we'd never have playground equipment. |
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Baaaad Puns |
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During the rainy season I spread out large books for my guests to wipe their feet on. These are the tomes that dry men's soles. SGT Snorkel of Iowa In ancient Palestine, there was a group of traveling actors who went from village to village entertaining the people. In one small village, the only son of one of the village elders was attracted to this life, and ran away with the actors when they moved on. When the boy's absence was noticed, the people pursued the actors, and cornered them among the rocks. The villagers picked up rocks and were preparing to throw them at the actors, but were unable to generate the nerve to start until the village chief pushed the boy's father forward, saying... "Let he who is without son stone the cast first!" A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri." "No, I'm sorry," replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri doc." Why is tea so therapeutic? Because boiling the water raises your self of steam. Stephish of Mn A man walked into a haunted house wanting to get a picture of a ghost with his instamatic camera. After a couple hours, he finally saw one. It was a friendly ghost who actually posed for the picture. The man took the first picture, but it turned out too dark. So the ghost posed for another one, and the picture again turned out dark. The ghost had to go so the man did not get a picture. Goes to show that the spirit was willing but the flash was weak. I once knew a woman who turned into a deer when the moon was full. She was a real weredoe. Bob of Corvalis Pencils could be made with erasers at both ends, but what would be the point? Kap'n Klystron - Nanuet, NY Why can't we let evil people have flutes? Because then the terrorists woodwind. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. When they lit a fire in the craft it sank, proving once and for all that . . you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
These three strings are walking along, dying of thirst after a long, long trek. They come to a bar. "Boy, this is just in time...I can't go any farther." So he walks into the bar and orders a drink. "Can't you read the sign there? We don't serve no strings here" bellows the bartender. "But I'm going to die of thirst" protests the string. With that the bartender picks him up, and throws him out into the street. One of his buddies says "I'll disguise myself as a rope and go in to get us a drink." So, in he goes. "Hey, I thought I told your friend that we don't serve your kind here. Now get out that door before I stomp on you!" So he quickly retreats out the door. Finally the last string says "Hey, I've got an idea...I'll tie myself up like a pretzel, and frizzle out my ends, so he won't recognize me." So in he goes into the bar. He gets up to the bar and orders a drink. The bartender eyes him a little suspiciously. "Hey, aren't you one of those strings I told to get out of here?" To which the string answered "Nope, I'm a frayed knot." A three-legged dog walked into a saloon in the Old West. He slid up to the bar and announced "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
Paints were a very precious quantity in the good old days, and British merchants could make a fortune supplying paints to the colonies. One company sent a clipper ship full of red paint across the ocean. It had the very bad luck to collide with another ship full of blue paint. As a result of this disaster, both crews were... marooned. A woman had twins, and gave them up for adoption. One of them went to a family in Egypt and was named Amahl. The other went to a family in Spain; they named him Juan. Years later, Juan sent a picture of himself to his mother. Upon receiving the picture, she told her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amahl. Her husband responded, "But they're twins-if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amahl."
A wealthy widow walks into an art gallery looking for a nice painting for her mantle. The dealer walks her to a very nice landscape. "It's called 'Ferret's Elf' a lovely scene with unicorns and magnificent creatures." "Well nice but too bland, but I'm looking for something a bit more dark and vibrant. Do you have anything like that?" "Oh of course. All of our paintings are vibrant This is an exception to our usual selection." So the only thing you have too fair, is Ferret's Elf."
Some friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise the funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the "men of God," the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good brothers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. He asked his mother to ask the friars to get out of business. They ignored her, too. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving (Brace yourself.)...... That Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars. |
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